ABSURDUS apoPLEXUS

Alarm bells are ringing in the thematically furnished American Bible Society national headquarters what with a new study showing diminished interest and increasing skepticism in the holy book, especially amongst the younger ages. Rest assured that these bible-minded guys & gals are not the type to sit idly around and pray for a solution, no siree Bob! Already ideas are flying around the Noah's Arconference room, grand schemes to capture the interest of the jumbled, ADD-almost-minded, modern youngster and reverse the country's "moral decline". Strategies to exploit the contemporary technological landscape of umbilical interconnectedness and unbiblical intrusiveness even if it inadvertently means dipping into the cesspool of salaciousness that is the social media.

 

Initial ideas piously uttered involved texting and/or tweeting daily verses (translated into teen slang and coupled with trendy hashtags) and making bite-size bible-quote tattoos hip. Another hot proposal involves an new Instagram app that enhances your pictures with biblical settings: Wouldn't that bathroom selfie look much classier on the banks of the Jordan? And wouldn't that group photo of your pals gulping down Sizzurp be much more exciting with Gomorrah as a backdrop instead of the mall's food-court? Similarly, this online SimCity game can be marketed in a more suitably biblical version whereby the players are slaving to build the pyramids whilst trying not to be killed by the plagues; or possibly FarmVille turned into a Canaanite cooperative.

 

Other society members brainstorming at the Bethlebreak Room have advocated for a more active approach like a Vine campaign bombarding the under-28-year-olds with 6 seconds of biblical chutzpah like Charlton Heston film clips, or a more ambitious scheme like the development of a few YA franchises (books, films, bath products, the whole combo). They could for example recount the saga of young Moses, brought up amidst the intrigues of the palatial Upper Nile Side and destined to bring down single-handedly the pharaonic dystopia; or the heart-wrenching story of awkward adolescent David taking revenge on his high-school bullies through the harnessing of superhuman powers; or even the teenage love between the loner Johnny the Baptist and queen of coolness Salome in the shadow of the timeless and violent competition for world supremacy between her folks (Herod & Herodias) and the Baptist Clan.

 

Survey finds Americans more skeptical of the Bible