ABSURDUS apoPLEXUS
The road to dystopia is paved with utopian ideologies, a bravura in
belligerence and a penchant for brandishing one's engorged primacy over others.
Members of THE ÜBER-SUPREMIUM LEADERS CLUB
May.25, 2015
Uganda: Land of the Excessively Free
After 29 years of continuous "democratic" one-man-rule (and with no term limits in sight), it's only natural that a leader would be less inclined to think before he speaks making ever more preposterous statements; one could even assume that the preposterousness is proportional to time in power. ...CONTINUE READING >>
Mar.01, 2015
Mugabe: It's My Party & I'll Barbecue What I Want To
Zimbabwe's "democratic" leader for the past 35 years, Robert Mugabe, is not one to shy away from lavishly celebrating his birthday, despite the fact he presides over one of the poorest and most economically dysfunctional country in the world. And why wouldn't he? He has assumed the role of ...CONTINUE READING >>
Dec.11, 2014
Venezuela: Jailhouse Blues & Other Colors
Hugo Chavez's earthly representative, Venezuelan President Maduro, recently joined the fray of anti-American regimes critical of US race relations, albeit not as quickly or scathingly as some of his fellow authoritarians, declaring that racism in America has been worse under Obama. ...CONTINUE READING >>
Oct.31, 2014
Handbook of Perpetual Rule: How 2 Outstay Your Welcome
What is one autocrat to do these days to democratically retain power ad infinitum? Take Burkina Faso's President, Blaise Compaoré, who has been in power for a mere 27 relatively peaceful (with the occasional coup attempt here and there) years, and now finds himself in a bit of a pickle ...CONTINUE READING >>
Sep.09, 2014
Gambian Gays: Off You Go (or Off With Your Heads)
The Gambian government has recently stiffened the legal ramifications of being gay in the country by extending a 14 year jail sentence to life. Some may say that this is somewhat mean and even uncalled for but surely no one can claim that it is unexpected or unforeseen. ...CONTINUE READING >>
Apr.23, 2014 | UPDATED Dec.22, 2015
Bruneian Exceptionalism: A Stone's Throw Away From Heaven
The predominantly fictional country of Brunei, taking its cue from its perennial ruler, Sultan Hassanal Bolkiah, who despite his status as the richest man alive modestly shies away from vulgar exhibitions of his renown rare car collection (incl. a 24k gold-plated Rolls) or his 1,800-room extra ...CONTINUE READING >>
Apr.14, 2014
Mugabe: Contextual Numeracy
Self-proclaimed, democratically-elected president for life (his own life and/or the entire population's), Robert Mugabe, is no stranger to stirring international resentment (or as he describes it, foreign jealousy for Zimbabwean élan and his own unequivocal domestic popularity). ...CONTINUE READING >>
Apr.02, 2014
Museveni: From (d)Rags to Riches
It is semi-scientifically corroborated that there is a distinct correlation between an Autocrat's years in power and his levels of governance-cum-wackiness. Here, another classic example with Uganda's 28-year ruler that hails his country as "one of the richest on earth". Apparently $440 per capita ...CONTINUE READING >>
Feb.25, 2014
Ugandan Media: Doing Their Bit for National Security
Western media love making lists, best dressed, most eligible, most influential etc. There's a category for every reader to wallow in despair for having zero chance of ever being on it. In a cunning reverse-psychology move, an Ugandan tabloid has published a list of the country's "200 top homos" for law abiding (i.e. heterosexual) readers to bask in their good fortune of being ineligible for incarceration.
Feb.24, 2014
Museveni: It's time to resolve the Geocentric vs Heliocentric dispute once and for all
In the context of signing an anti-gay bill, Ugandan president Yoweri Museveni recently encouraged the US government to help Uganda by working with their scientists "to study whether, indeed, there are people who are born homosexual." Musevani, a skeptical yet scientifically-inclined person, also requested NASA's input to help local astronomers determine, once and for all, whether or not the sun is rotating around the earth and pleaded TO the international scientific community his willingness to assist local scientists investigate the controversial theory of gravity.
Oct.18, 2013
Aliyev: Oops I did It Again
(but I'll Hit You One More Time Anyway)
It never fails to amuse (not amaze though) when the proverbial Autocrat-in-democracy's-clothing accidentally shows the world his fangs. The more inept and outrageous the gaffe the better. Of course afterwards they all claim that the raw steak we caught them devouring is actually tofu.
Oops: Azerbaijan released election results before voting had even started
Mar.14, 2013
Chavez: In High Level Talks with Jesus
According to Maduro the recently departed Chavez "ascended to the heights and is face-to-face with Christ." Asked to elaborate further on the topics of conversations during his (Chavez) one-to-ones with JHC, aside from the obvious Pope-talk, he (Maduro) mentioned other areas where the heavenly Comandante is seeking assistance from the almighty, namely the next Miss Universe contest.
May.16, 2013
Maduro: Acrimony over Toilet Paper
Mar.01, 2012
Lukashenko: Putting the Brakes on Unbridled Democracy Running Amok
"President Nicolás Maduro claims that anti-government forces, including the private sector, are causing the (toilet paper) shortages in an effort to destabilize the country." I m sure it's all a Machiavellian CIA plan to force Venezuelans to wipe their asses with newspapers thereby sabotaging one of the propaganda mediums of the regime.
Venezuela hopes to wipe out toilet paper shortage by importing 50m rolls
Belarus' President declared that his country is fed up with too much democracy. And why wouldn't it? Electing Lukashenko to the Presidency would the apex in any self-respecting democracy. Further elections can never match this high point and therefore would only depress and dishearten the democratically-minded Belarusians. Next thing you know Kim Jong-il laments that masses of tourists have depleted North Korean resources, Vatican officials regret giving too many sex-shop permits and Chavez complains that private enterprise has crushed the public sector.
Mar.01, 2012
Mugabe: Let Them Eat Cake
Now that Kim Jong-Il has been whisked into heaven by celestial gold-rimmed unicorns, several of the hallowed leader's colleagues have been scrambling to upend each other in their quirky antics. Case in point, Robert Mugabe's "21st February Movement celebrations" (aka his birthday) where lots of gigantic cakes were made from the country's "top confectioners" depicting local fauna, flora, rivers, ditches etc, all presumably in the spirit of that very royal french dictum "let them eat cake". (Though if you do the math 0.007gr of cake per citizen is kind of stingy).
Oct.07, 2011
Kadyrov: Gifts Non Grata
Apparently Ramzan Kadyrov is a modest man and does not like celebrating his birthday. “Anybody who approaches the Chechen leader and even tries to give him a gift will be fired.” This means that either the Chechens have no talent in gift-giving (and how many I♥Kadyrov mugs and coffee makers can one have?) or that the Chechen idea of a good gift involves some kind of exploding mechanism. And please don't label his Hollywood-star attended, specially-constructed-floating-stage set, acrobat filled, light-show extravaganza event as a a "birthday party". There was no cake.