Jun 18, 2014 | ASSAD

Syria: Bleach-Blitz Bonanza

Triumphantly re-elected Syrian president, Bashar al-Assad, is often the target of malicious foreign propaganda, aiming to tarnish his stellar image as a patriotic leader of his nation, a prudent political tactician and a human being in general. The latest of these unfair attacks comes courtesy of the Organization for the Prohibition of Chemical Weapons (OPCW) which claims in its latest report from Syria that his government has been using chlorine toxic agents in local warfare.

 

These spurious allegations are nothing but vicious distortions of the situation at hand, namely that the use of chlorine is totally benign. The chemical traces the OPCW mission found on their Syrian expedition have nothing to do with weapons or any other harmful plans. On the contrary, they are part of a national sprucing up initiative, recently launched by the president himself, that has been embraced enthusiastically by the public. Several years of internal upheaval have had a heavy toll in the people's mood, not to mention their laundry. What better way to both cheer people up and improve their aesthetics than to rejuvenate their neglected attire, especially the white thawbs that customarily Syrian man wear? The formerly white garments, due to neglect and detergent shortages induced by foreign enemies, have been lately stain-filled and anemically off-white.

 

Assad's initiative, to both amend this national inconvenience and celebrate his recent victorious reelection, involves bleaching the nation's thawbs into blindingly whiter-than-white whiteness. To do so, citizens have been asked to hang their thawbs and other white garments in an exterior location, preferably a courtyard or rooftop. Specially retrofitted planes, courtesy of the Syrian air-force, then pass overhead at scheduled times and spray-bleach them on the fly, literally. It couldn't be more simple and convenient than this. People are cautioned not to leave outside any color, woolen or silk pieces, nor any pets or relatives (the government is not liable for property damages, human and/or livestock injuries and/or deaths, as clearly stated in all Syrian birth certificates).

 

Future plans also include special chemical peeling runs whereby Syrians with rough, wrinkled complexions will be asked to stretch out outdoors, relax and enjoy a rejuvenating facial and/or body peeling shower.

 

Clearly the OPCW allegations are therefore a misunderstanding at best, but more likely another evil, unscrupulous attempt to defame the legitimate Syrian government. "Conveniently" the OPCW team did not reach the village of Kafr Zaita as their convoy was ambushed (obviously by rebel forces), and therefore did not see the wonderful site of the milky-white covered  settlement, rooftops & yards filled with laundry, billowing mesmerically in the light afternoon breeze, like a heavenly cotton field sprinkled magically over the village.

 

Alleged reports from western sources of aerial bombardments are also mendacious postulations. The planes are actually performing a public service; one that those capitalist western slanderers wouldn't have come up with in a million years what with the detergent industrials pulling their strings.