ABSURDUS apoPLEXUS

Putin has once more addressed the nation giving his traditional New Year's speech, compulsory viewing for any Russian citizen, mostly because that's the only thing on all TV and radio stations. Here is a rough yet nuanced translation that picks up the subtext:  

 

Friends,

 

The New Year of 2015 is about to begin.

 

As always, we look forward to it with anticipation, making wishes, giving suspended sentences, cracking down on protests and traditionally seeing in the New Year with independent TV station closures. An atmosphere of grandness, goodwill and intimidation warms my heart and jolts my loins, opening them up to pure machinations and extraordinary deeds.

 

Naturally, everyone is concerned primarily about the well-being of their President wishing him health and happiness. And I thank you for that. My happiness and success makes up the well-being of Russia.

 

Love for one’s Motherland is one of the most powerful and enlightening feelings, second only to the love for having absolute control over it. This has found its reflection in our fraternal aid to the residents of Crimea and Sevastopol, after they made a completely independent decision to return to their native home. This event will remain a landmark in recorded history of mankind and beyond.

 

Friends,

 

Now, as we reflect on the outgoing year I would like to sincerely thank you for your unity and solidarity, for your innermost truthfulness, honour, justice and responsibility for the fate of my rule, but mostly for your gullibility and servility that have made possible my bravest and most Machiavellian of plans.

 

Only a few years ago the Sochi Olympics were no more than a sparkle in my eye. We then proceeded not only to prepare and host the best ever event in the history of the Games, including those in Ancient Greece, but to also make them the most expensive ever. Just because we could. So kudos to us. This international triumph was achieved by all citizens of this country, but mostly me.

 

Friends,

 

The New Year is knocking at our doors. Do not open. No good will come of it. Instead please wait for the any year between 1721 and 1917, those glorious years of Imperial Russia that you are all surely vying for, especially so as to officially make me your Tzar. It is time to let one of these years in and say words of gratitude to those that made this possible, namely me. Time to thank me for my cunningness and reliability, for my bravado and flair. The more kindness and love there is around the more confident and powerful I, and by extension you, become, which means we will definitely be successful.

 

Happy 2015 to me!