ABSURDUS apoPLEXUS

When the aliens showed up one day over North America, President Trump told the American people and the rest of the world that he was the most capable leader to negotiate with them. “I’ve made deals with the Steve Bannon, how worse can these motherfuckers be?” he said characteristically, making assurances that he would make "the best deal that has ever been made between a human leader and an extraterrestrial power in the history of the universe".

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After protracted negotiations that caused Trump to cancel at least one golfing weekend, the President had a press briefing to present the deal that was finally reached between the US government and the invading alien forces where he hailed the terms of the treaty as the most advantageous in the history of treaties, by far surpassing those in the Treaty of Versailles and even the Molotov-Ribbentrop Pact.

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The President conceded that the total destruction of Washington, DC, as stipulated in the agreement, may inconvenience citizens leaving in the area but more importantly the swamp will finally be drained. Plus, the White House is such a dump that nobody’s going to miss it and the Congress’ approval ratings are in an all-time low so obliterating the Capitol will not only be a wish come true for most Americans, but also a great show to watch, death rays and all!

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President Trump also praised the imminent annihilation of New York and Los Angeles saying that the epicenters of fake news and the Hollywood elite will at last be wiped off the face of the earth. He did acknowledged though that the nuclear explosions may cause some local weather anomalies, including radioactive dust that can linger for decades, but assured the citizens of those cities that their relocation has been all worked out and that he’s certain that they will find their new lodgings as indentured workers for the alien industries very exotic.

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The President also said that this is a time for reconciliation, not hate and rancor, stressing that although their stated mission is to wipe out human civilization, colonize earth and use humans as biofuel, not all aliens are bad hombres. In fact there are some very fine aliens, some of them even laughed with his jokes. Lastly, he reassured the American people that he has succeeded in sparing Mar-a-Lago from demolition and in fact, it’s going to be housing the regional headquarters of the occupation forces. The alien leaders may even learn how to play golf!

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As far as the role he would be playing in the New Order, Trump was proud to announce that he and Melania (or more precisely, the humanoid replica of Melania that the aliens will be so kind to provide after all human females are moved into breeding facilities) will be hosting a new reality TV show (the only show allowed along with Real Housewives of District 9) where each week ten human contestants will be battling it out to see who is going to be spared from having his blood drained for alien consumption.