Jul 14,2014 | INTERNATIONAL

The Pope: Sticking It To The 2%

Pope Francis is considered a "hands-on" kind of papal figure, unafraid to tackle the Catholic Church's pathogenies head on, be that financial corruption or  the "gay lobby", as well as other evil menaces like the mafia, which he single-handedly and fearlessly excommunicated last month. He has now turned his holy ire towards child-abusers lurking inside the clergy.

 

In a recent interview for Italian newspaper La Repubblica he makes his approach to this controversial issue quite lucidly and resolutely. "Like Jesus", he states, "I shall use a stick against pedophile priests". Presumably he is referring to that New Testament incident when Jesus expelled the money changers from the Temple using force so to speak, and not that other time when he performed that falafel-on-stick miracle at the Cana bachelor party. Most curious tidbit of that interview though was his assertion that approximately 2% of the clergy (1 out of 50) are pedophiles. As we have no reason to doubt the Pope's veracity, we are left to speculate how did the Church arrive at that figure.

 

In an exclusive scoop, we have obtained the draft questionnaire, developed jointly by a team of high-placed Vatican bishops and highly esteemed catholic psychologists, which was distributed to all clergy members to determine their propensity to pederasty. The questionnaire was presented to the clergy as a benign, one-of-a-series survey of "spiritual matters", the Holy See bureaucracy is renowned for. The questionnaire was handed out on the Saint Jerome's Day, the Patron of Librarians, Scholars, Students and Abandoned children.

 

(1 ) Which of the following statements best captures how you picture yourself in the afterlife?

(a) Resting by the side of our Father who art in heaven.

(b) Overlooking and inspiring the living from above.

(c) Inside the 9th circle of hell.

 

(2) Which of the following statements would you use to describe children?

(a) God's earthly angels.

(b) Humanity's hope for the future.

(c) Forbidden candy.

 

 (3) Which of the following statements reflects more accurately your attitude towards children?

(a) I have nothing but infinite love for them.

(b) I embrace them with all my heart.

(c) I need a cold shower.

 

(4) Which of the following statements would describe more accurately the feelings that children arouse in you?

(a) A heavenly peace overflowing my soul.

(b) A sacred glow warming my heart.

(c) A delightful tingle in my loins.

 

(5) Which of the following statements do you consider as false?

(a) Children are not subject to their parents' sins.

(b) Children are subject to Original Sin.

(c) Children are subject to Original Sin and should be taught a lesson, preferably one involving a mock serpent.

 

(6) How often do you visit communal playgrounds and/or schoolyards?

(a) Only on Saint Pancras' Day, the Patron of  Children.

(b) Only on Saint Scholastica's Day, the Patron of Convulsions in Children.

(c) Right after mass.

 

(7) What would you do if you found yourself inadvertently alone with a child?

(a) Read him/her passages from the Old Testament

(b) Read him/her passages from the New Testament

(c) Lock the door

 

(8) What is your entertainment medium of choice?

(a) Vatican Radio

(b) Vatican TV

(c) Nickelodeon