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Nov 05, 2014 | RUSSIAN GLAS•NOT

Russia: The Attack of The Giant Gay iPhone

Who knew that Tim Cook's coming out would be yet another opportunity to see the butterfly effect in action. Here we have a man that comes out and soon afterwards a two-meter sculpture crumbles on the other side of the world. The said artifact was an iPhone-like memorial to Steve Jobs in St. Petersburg, promptly dismantled as it suddenly became, with Cook's confession, a beacon of gay propaganda, which in Russia is illegal.


Local authorities have said that since Cook's inflammatory announcement people in close proximity to the monument have been reporting queasy feelings of gayness. Additional symptoms that were reported before the thing was removed included: Beyoncé and/or Lady Gaga songs sticking in the passerby heads for at least a couple of hours after the encounter, a sudden desire to enter a drag race and involuntary dance movements, right there on the street. Also, all iPhones and iPads inside a 500m-radius range instantaneously installed Grindr, that infamous gay hooking up app, and set up salacious profiles for their users. Plus, all episodes of Glee were downloaded through their iTunes accounts. Female victims experienced improper feelings of machismo and started growing a moustache.


To further complicate matters, the dismantling operation itself proved quite challenging, as the workers had to be clad in full-body, protective suits, with special chemical/biological filters & portable life support systems, to avoid succumbing to the gay totem's nefarious powers. There were also some concerns that exposure could also lead to contracting Ebola and/or gonorrhea, based on declarations about the hazards of Tim Cook ever visiting the country by Vitaly Milonov, the governing party's quirky parliamentarian. The gay-active sculpture pieces were then sent to be treated in a nuclear waste reprocessing facility  and will then transfered to outer Siberia for deep geological disposal.


This incident has at last united the two separate government-backed and government-championed trending phenomena in Russia, homophobia and anti-Americanism, in a perfect storm of narrow-minded frenzy.


Up to now for example, the authorities were shutting down McDonalds restaurants for hygiene or finance malpractices, which is always cumbersome to substantiate and document. From now on they can simply use the gay propaganda law to lock them up, based on reliable testimonies by patrons. For example, there was the guy who had gay fantasies after eating a Deluxe Quarter Pounder, the teenager who dabbled into cross-dressing after enjoying, a little too intensely, a McFlurry with OREO® cookies or the truck-driver who simply turned gay after a close encounter with a cardboard Roland McDonald, the clown

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