ABSURDUS apoPLEXUS

The upper echelons of al-Qaeda have been in serious deliberations lately in an effort to devise a turnaround plan for their battered organization. The current decline is especially evident in terms of diminished visibility, falling popularity and lower unique visitors & page views for "Inspire", its flagship online magazine.

 

Recent events, like the Crimean annexation and the missing flight 370, have sidelined its brand name from newscasts and features in the international media and significantly reduced likes on its Facebook posts and retweets from its official Twitter account. The Russian government in particular seems dead set to monopolize the world's attention for the foreseeable future, something that in trouble-maker circles is considered an inconsiderate faux pas. The al-Qaeda board of directors have already sent a formal complain to Putin requesting he gracefully desist sowing mayhem and stoking international furry in the name of the collegial spirit of fundamentalism. Regretfully, they only received a generic thank-you-for-contacting-the-Kremlin reply and a commemorative "I♥PUTIN" headscarf.

 

Another factor for the groups' slump that the specially designated Turnaround Committee has pointed out, is the ubiquitousness and resourcefulness of the US drone program. This has not only curtailed public outdoor events, that the network is famed for organizing with much fanfare and panache, but also taken a heavy toll on the individual members themselves. They now have to think twice before leaving the house, even to buy a goatskin-pouch of milk from the tent around the corner, lest they are spotted by an overhead UAV and be blasted dead on the spot. Since the drone program begun an alarmingly increase in diagnoses of depression and paranoia has been recorded.

 

This latest outdoor gathering in Yemen was an attempt to reclaim al-Qaeda's right in hosting open-air meetings-cum-fiestas and cure its members of their pathological tendency to take cover every time they hear a buzzing sound or glimpse a moving shadow. The event, apart from the usual death-to-the-infidels group-hug-incantations and pork-free barbeques, also included group-therapy sessions, orchestrated by jihadi councilors who attempted to disengage fear from the concept of flying objects and instill an admiration for the miracle of unmanned aerial bird-like contraptions. To that end, attendees went through Pavlov-type procedures whereby the sudden exposure to drone pictures and/or scale-models was accompanied by US flags combusting.

 

The Turnaround Committee has furthermore instructed the editorial team of "Inspire" magazine to animate the dry-texted bomb-making articles with how-to illustrations featuring photogenic female bomb-makers, include color spreads of exotic destinations as target recommendations for readers to bomb and introduce an online suicide-vest shop with the latest trends.

 

Video shows brazen outdoor meeting of al-Qaeda fighters