France: Bonne Année Flambée!
We regret to inform you that this year's new year celebrations were not met with the same "je ne sais quoi" enthusiasm that you have been accustomed to. The car-burning fires shone regrettably less brightly this time. Although fireworks are OK, they could never replace this very typically French tradition that combines the activism of street protests and the showmanship of the flambé cooking technique; nor should they.
The interior & culture ministries are considering several actions for next year in order to curb this dangerously downbeat trend, like airing arson-promoting TV Xmas promos (staring Santa), identifying target cars with enticing graffiti ("please burn me!") plus seasonal decorations and printing how-to manuals that double as Xmas cards.