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Feb 07, 2015 | CULTURAL (NO)MORES

Pope Francis: Punch'em Fideles

An announcement by Pope Francis regarding the Catholic Church's sanctioned methods of child rearing: How to beat your kid to the punch.  


Dear catholic parents of naughty children,


I am pleased to announce that you can smack some sense into your disorderly kids, literally, without remorse. Who am I to denounce this hallowed tradition that goes back to biblical times, this tried and tested method that has reared for millennia such excellent, peaceful human beings, unburdened of violent urges or repressed complexes?


It is unfortunately the scourge of the modern man to abandon those righteous practices that have kept us on the Lord's path to salvation, all in the name of frivolous fads like children's or women's "rights". Did God hesitate for a second to forcefully punish (ten times!) all those Egyptians, including infants, in order to "spare their feelings"? Did he flinch before killing all the men, women and children of Jericho? I don't think so. Sodom and Gomorrah? Slam dunk, no second thoughts! I say we have distanced ourselves too far from the Lord's ways, it is time to (excuse the pun) pull no punches.


Do remember though that it is imperative, as in all human endeavors, to punch, slap or hit your offspring with dignity and poise, to spank with grace, amazing grace! So no swearing! No permanent marks or brain damage! No taking the Lord's name in vain! No water-boarding below the age of 6! No premarital smacking! Never on a Sunday! Never improperly attired! And of course, never hit an unbaptized child, no amount of spanking can save it from its purgatorial destiny.


So go forth all ye faithful and smack responsibly, blessed are the corporal punishers of sinful children.


Pope Francis

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