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Aug.04, 2014 | INTERNATIONAL

Iraqi Insurgency: Deluge & Conquer

The recent seizure of  Iraq's largest hydroelectric dam by the insurgent faction ISIS (a.k.a. ISIL), fighting to establish a caliphate in Iraq & Syria, is troubling more so as it evidently also part of a nefarious dam-seizing master-plan. Back in April ISIS took over another dam, this one the Euphrates river, with an alleged plan to flood large swaths of land upstream to prevent the advance of the government security forces. The latest seizure gives ISIS a formidable weapon, in the shape of potentially catastrophic flooding, to bargain with. Yet behind these tactical considerations lies their real, long-term goal: to create nautical islamist communities of utopian nature. 


Inspired by the much acclaimed (at least in Middle Eastern film-critic circles) motion picture Waterworld, that Kevin Costner vainglorious vehicle, ISIS's plan is to flood all of Iraq'a river basins and thus most inhabitant areas. In this way, instead of a town-by-town purging process (blowing up unholy shrines, ejecting infidels from their homes etc), the establishing of the proclaimed caliphate can start with a clean slate, an albeit deluged slate but an empty slate nonetheless.


The floating society that ISIS is envisioning, disconnected from all infidel references, now drowned, will enable people to finally abandon the apostatical frivolities of moderate Islam and forget the salacious distractions of the purgatorial western culture. These floating autonomous communities, pious in spirit, spiritual in piousness and empathetically pork-free, are ideal for any serious-minded jihadist to live, fish and pray.


There will be no need for that most evil of commodities, oil, as boats will be powered by the blessed winds that the heavens shall abundantly provide (and additional rowing and towing by infidels). Money, as the foremost instrument of capitalism, shall be banned and, instead, similarly to the prophetic motion picture, dirt shall be assigned as a precious commodity. Considering half of Iraq is dry desert, the timely accumulation and storage of dirt by the ISIS will ensure its controlled and regulated supply to the floating dominion.


The flooding scheme (much like the film) can also be viewed as a critical commentary on the heathen phenomenon of global warming, whereby the ice melting- sea-level rise that will engulf the planet and drown the modern seaboard Sodoma-towns & Gomorrah-villes, is nothing but the celestial wrath punishing human immorality like the Flood of biblical times. In this sense the ISIS is only expediting the divine plan and is therefore all the more blessed and justified.


In case the ambitious initiative does not materialize, the insurgent faction is considering pitching the concept of a much-awaited Waterworld sequel to the big studios (enticing them with an already constructed set and alluring tax breaks) or alternatively crowd-sourcing the budget themselves and filming in it with local talent. Tentative titles under consideration: "Waterworld 2, Babylon Pool Party" and "Ice Age 5, Holy Meltdown" . In the role of the indomitable "Mariner" picture a young seafaring Bin Landen type or a hunky Hasan Nasrallah.

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