Jun 27, 2014 | INTERNATIONALPERSIAN CATNIP

Iran: Public Celebrations Decorum

In view of the latest shenanigans of regime detractors masquerading as football fans to spread anarchy and chaos in Iranian cities under the guise of the Word Cup hoopla, the Iranian authorities have released strict guidelines for all henceforth public celebrations.

Code of Conduct

 

(1) We politely request  participants in all sanctioned, public celebrations, to present themselves in conservative attire avoiding any apparel, accessories or signifiers that alludes to western decadence and salaciousness. Hijab for women and moustache or beard for men is a must.

 

(2) At the designated locations, Ministry personnel and/or members of the security forces will guide you to the exact location that you are to experience the celebratory happenings and provide you with a manual of the moves and/or slogans you are invited to execute and/or chant respectively along with your compatriots.

 

(3) You are to stand at your designated spot peacefully until the beginning of the festivities while refraining from speaking (at any volume) and moving excessively (incl. any kind of jumping). Hands must be firmly held close to the torso. In no circumstances are you to throw your hands in air and wave them as if you don't care.

 

(4) Participants are kindly requested not to bring along unnecessary items that may hinder, obstruct or insult the celebratory bash and the hallowed ambience we are aiming at. These items include (but are not limited to): any kind of speakers or loudspeaker, firecrackers or any other type of pyrotechnics, tomatoes, guns or other assault weapons, any kind of placard, flag or banner not sanctioned by the Ministry (see our website for acceptable designs and dimensions), defibrillators, suicide or cowboy vests, dogs.

 

(5) Use of smart-phones, cameras or any other type of recording device is forbidden. Any such devices found of you will be confiscated and/or trampled on.

 

(6) Your participation in the celebratory activities is very important and as such you are expected to follow with the outmost dedication and diligence the proscribed step-by-step instructions you are provided with. Please do not attempt to improvise in any degree as it will be unsetting to your fellow celebrators,  disruptive to the communal spirit and highly detrimental to your bodily integrity (you may be dragged to an undisclosed location by security officers). Please note that you will never be asked to "dance", "move your hips" or "groove". Any instruction pamphlet with these kind of directions is counterfeit and must be immediately reported to the closest security officer or Ministry representative.

 

(7) In the event of flag-burning you are advised to bring your own "Star-Spangled Banner" (or equivalent state flag), liquid fluid (no more than 50ml) and matches as supplies are limited and usually run out. Please refrain from setting on fire other people or property. 

 

(8) Please note that diverting from the official schedule, both in respect of time of day and location, and deviating from points (1) to (6) of the Code of Conduct hereby presented, are for your personal safety inadvisable, as you may find yourself incarcerated, tortured, missing and/or fined.