ABSURDUS apoPLEXUS

After the recent accident in an Arizona shooting range whereby a nine year old girl accidentally shot and killed her gun instructor with her Uzi, the NRA (National Rifle Association) and the NSSF (National Shooting Sports Foundation) have issued the following joint statement:

 

The NRA and the NSSF would like to extend their sincere condolences to the family of the tragically lost shooting instructor and express their deepest sympathy to the traumatized girl.

 

In light of the tragic incident and regardless of the fact that no law (federal or local), regulation or field rule has been breached, we would like to announce some additional (non-binding) recommendations  regarding children at shooting ranges.

 

(1) Children aged 5 and younger should refrain from using machine guns. Handguns are more appropriate for those ages.

 

(2) Rifle length should not exceed the child's height.

 

(3) Girls should be encouraged to use more feminine firearms. For example in the place of an Uzi, a Beretta pistol would complement a girl's demeanor much more elegantly. Or the next time your princess asks for a Kalashnikov give her a Remington air rifle instead. 

 

(4) Live animals should not be used as targets unless the parents condone their use (in writing). Endangered species should under no circumstances be used for shooting purposes. Children shooting live animals should be instructed prior to shooting that once dead an animal cannot be brought back to life. This is especially vital for cute, fuzzy or puppy-eyed speciments.

 

(5) Grenade launchers, artillery guns and shoulder-launched surface-to-air missiles should not be used in indoors shooting ranges.

 

(6) Children with visual disabilities should refrain from shooting live targets.

 

We would also like to take this opportunity to reassure children of all ages and their parents that shooting (licensed) firearms or other types of guns remains a completely safe, instructional and wholesome activity.

 

A trip to the local shooting range is an ideal family outing where parents can bond with their kids over target selection (minority of your choice, bring-your-own, etc), shooting matches and rifle assembly. Furthermore, the training courses provide an ideal opportunity for children to learn invaluable lessons in self-defense, discipline and war-zone combat while having boundless fun at the same time.  The shooting courses have been diligently designed for the requirements of each age group with special care given to toddlers/preschoolers, so feel free to bring your infant to your nearest shooting range as soon as it can grasp your finger with its precious hand.

 

Let us unconditionally reaffirm (a) that all training courses for both adult and children abide to strict standards of safety and decorum, that all instructors have been certified and that all firearms are daily inspected and meticulously cleaned. 

 

Please enjoy your firearms responsibly.

 

NRA - NSSF

 

(a) Applies only to NSSF certified facilities. Please refrain from visiting unauthorized ranges where there is the possibility of injury, maiming, and/or death.