Sep.09, 2014 | DICKTATORS MAXIMI

Gambian Gays: Off You Go (or Off With Your Heads)

The Gambian government has recently stiffened the legal ramifications of being gay in the country by extending a 14 year jail sentence to life imprisonment. Some may say that this is somewhat mean and even uncalled for, but surely no one can claim that it is unexpected or unforeseen.

 

The nation's perennial ruler, President Yahya Jammeh, has taken the time, times and times again, to spread the message to the LGBT community of their standing in Gambian society.  For example, in 2008 he amicably suggested that they should expediently depart the country as there was a considerable possibility of decapitation.  It has been 6 years since then, not to mention 20 years at the helm of the country, and they are still loitering the alleys of Banjul and Georgetown, gawking salaciously each other and meeting furtively in undisclosed locations to watch True Blood. What is one autocratic sovereign to do in this situation?

 

The abovementioned travel tip was misconstrued by some liberal factions as a hostile ultimatum, which according  to the Gambian government couldn't be further from the truth. Yes, homosexuals are "evil" and "anti-human", as the President may have stated, but only in the biblical sense, no hard feelings guys! Sure, they are also the equivalent to "malaria-causing mosquitoes" and should be thus eradicated, but again this is meant as an observational statement and not at all as a biased opinion; don't they, the gays, also tend to stealthily congregate around damp locations (e.g. saunas) and flap around their proverbial fairy wings in anticipation of a fix? Clearly it's all about behavioral science, not prejudice. And don't draw any unfair conclusion from equating them to "leprosy, gonorrhea and tuberculosis", these are all first-class diseases.

 

Now, the real reason behind the drive to relocate the gay community abroad is in fact for the sake their own well being. Namely, to retain their heads and, more practically, to thrive in a much better suited environment-cum-society where the moral mores have all been trampled, spitted upon and discarded, where ungodliness has infiltrated the people's souls and made them into the devil's string-puppets and where the floodwaters of heavenly retribution will surely strike first; they are after all quite the good swimmers (why else would be pool-house regulars?)

 

To facilitate the immigration of LGBT individuals the Gambian government is offering very enticing travel packages. For example, relocation to neighboring Ebola-stricken Liberia comes with free three-month accommodation (three star or lower, central location, wifi available on special occasions), reduced fishing-boat fare and a complimentary box-set of disposable face masks & latex gloves (size M). For the more adventurer ones, there is a great offer for Northern Nigeria, famous for its distinct kind of hospitality courtesy of Boko Harem (underage girls are not eligible for this offer until further notice, all relevant premises are currently full). Or, for the more romantic ones, why not take up the chance to enjoy the premium amenities of an exotic South Pacific island nation in Australia's detention center in Nauru? There, in a multicultural environment that suits the gay's flamboyant sensibilities, they can live an uninhibited life in their detention cells. This offer also includes a long Pacific cruise (life-vests not included).

 

All in all, this is an advantageous deal for the Gambian legally-designated deviants that demonstrates the government's exemplary good will in the face of the nation-threatening scourge (in a nonjudgmental way) that is the gays.