ABSURDUS apoPLEXUS

They may have voted en mass (allegedly) for secession and accession to the Russian Federation, but still, one is obliged to have some sympathy for the momentous travails Crimeans are currently undergoing.

 

Firstly, McDonalds suddenly pulls out of the region leaving behind an alimentary void almost impossible to fill (the McNuggets batter alone requires expertise unmatched by any cook within a 800km radius) and now the banks are fleeing the nest as well. Who said international sanctions are not worth the paper they would have been printed on (if printing was still going on)? The cash-strapped Crimeans queuing for miles just to get a double-headed-eagle-embossed checkbook certainly would vehemently disagree (off camera). You would think that they should be quite content, what with their brand new passports and all, but no, apparently there're not! Fine, the passports are invalid for traveling to most of the world, I give you that, but they cannot anyhow afford any foreign traveling for the foreseeable future, and even if they did, Russia is a dreamboat of a destination, so problem solved. Plus they all got their complimentary "I♥Пу́тин" mug. 

 

In any case they should be over the moon that they have now reverted back to the traditional and pure ways of the cash economy, when they were no salacious credit cards to temp you to buy that Jesus toaster or the lifelong supply of socks from eBay, when there was no web-banking and people met face to face to hand over cash and catch up on the latest gossip, a time when a man could pin as much paper bills to his favorite stripper without his wife asking about the ATM receipt. They could even go a step backwards and establish a barter economy of utopian socialism; two piglets for a dishwasher, a plumbing job for a hand job and a beverage, a collectible "I♥PUTON" mug for Top Gun in VHS cassette, a kidney for a Sevastopol pied-à-terre. Those would be the days.

Sanctions trump patriotism for Russian banks in Crimea