Sep.04, 2014 | INTERNATIONAL

Al-Qaeda: Coming Soon To A Hideout Near You

Recently, Al-Qaeda announced through a video message the creation of a new Indian branch to "raise the flag of jihad" across South-East Asia. The announcement was followed by a press release forwarded to its members, fans and affiliates, hereby transcribed:

 

Al-Qaeda® is pleased to announce the much anticipated launch of its exclusive brand in the Indian sub-continent.  

 

Following hundreds of letters, emails and bomb threats, as well as considerable trolling, from our fellow Indian jihadists, we felt that the distribution of our services through unauthorized local agents was not up to par, failing to provide the high standards of customer care that our brand is globally known for. It was therefore decided that our own presence in this territory was imperative to better serve the needs of our loyal clientele.

 

Our boots-on-the-ground strategy aims at providing you, our Indian brethren, with the same stellar level of services we have been deservingly associated with in Afghanistan, Pakistan and beyond. Our full set of services will be available through our local branches, including: Mail-bombing, hostage-taking, sectarian riot incitement, etc. Our newly redesigned website also gives you the opportunity* to engage our services from the comfort of your home by simply filling the online form (target, degree of intended harm, ransom if applicable, etc).

 

New recruits, seeking a holistic education in global jihad, mayhem and subterfuge, will no longer have to travel abroad to reach our state-of-the-art training grounds. Our wide selection of local premises provides knowledge-seekers convenient one-stop learning centers for all their jihadist sensibilities. Our instructors (unlike other recently hyped, beheading-prone providers) have at least 10 years experience including a minimum of 2 years in active combat. They are also well versed in local dialects and usually reluctant to torture students for fun.

 

To celebrate our expansion in the Indian heartland, you are cordially invited to our launch party to be held in our brand new headquarters**. The event will be MC'ed by al-Qaeda's esteemed leader Ayman al-Zawahiri and will include motivational speeches from several branch leaders through Skype, a presentation of the latest bomb-making trends and a gourmet buffet of fusion cuisine combining Arabic and Indian flavors (Gahnoush masala anyone?) Guests will enter a prize draw with a chance to win a year's supply of suicide vests, a meet-and-great with Taliban leader Mullah Muhammad Omar and a 2-week mountaineering holiday-trip in Paktika province, Afghanistan.

 

Please note that franchise entities that purport to represent our brand of ideology without our explicit consent are heretical and should be avoided at all costs. Cooperation with such an organization may be detrimental to your being.

 

An al-Qaeda® branch will soon be opening near you, in a central, undisclosed location.

 

* Registered members only

 

** Guests must agree in writing to be strip-searched and blindfolded in designated meeting point before transported to the premised for security reasons.